And the winners are...

Dear loyal blog followers.

The results are in!

1. The B-52 Bomber is: an unnecessarily large cockroach. Sorry Mom. These unsettling Sugar Cane roaches are aptly named because they fly and it is impossible to take them down because of their hard shells. Fun fact: they can live without their heads for up to a month. I have only ever seen one on a sidewalk in Honolulu. I mistook it for a pothole.

2. In order to combat the rat problem, the Hawaiian government released what non-indigenous predator into the fragile ecosystem: the mongoose. The mongeese did not solve the problem because they are nocturnal and instead devoured the local bird population at an alarming rate. You see them every now and again. They’re ugly little suckers too; looks like someone stuck Ross Perot’s face on an opossum.

3. Which of these is not a delicious island delicacy? Mahu. The Mahu is actually the Hawaiian word for male transvestite prostitutes. A Locomoco is a Hawaiian breakfast dish, although there are many variations, the essential loco moco consists of white rice topped with a hamburger patty, a fried egg, and brown gravy. Sound gross? You should see it. This of course can only mean that Aaron will want to eat at least two of them when he comes out here. A Puka Dog is an island hotdog of sorts made of premium Polish sausage type meat (read: weird pig parts) jammed into a delicious bun with gooey mango and pineapple sauces. Malasadas are hot dough balls with delicious creamy filling, imagine that fried dough and cream puffs had a love child, this would be it, and you would eat it, you just ate someone’s baby.

4. If you are caught jay-walking in Waikiki, a bike cop in neon green will: issue you a 100 dollar ticket. Neon green Fascists.

5. Which beloved Boston Red Sox ran in the Honolulu Marathon in December? Hideki Okajima. Melissa, we are temporarily revoking your status as a Red Sox fan.

6. Which of these films does not feature a scene in beautiful Hawaii: “Into the Blue” is set in the Bahamas and although Jason rightly points out that “Snakes on a Plane” does feature “a hottie getting bitten in the boob,” there is also a scene involving Sam Jackson in the Honolulu airport, my friend.

7. A lava flow is a local shot consisting of: light rum, pineapple juice, cream of coconut, banana, strawberry puree. The strawberry puree is what makes it look red like lava. I drink these at an alarming rate on weekends, they go down real easy. A lot of you guessed D., the one with overproof rum. This is actually the recipe for a Suffering Bastard. Haha joke on you. A. and C. were Jess Martin creations.

8. Brush up on your Hawaiian vocabulary. The word `ôkole means: orifice, usually the anus. Pretty much everyone got this. You're all just as mature as I am. So there.

II. Multiple Choice Questions about your Blogger:

9. I work in an office affectionately known as: the Fish Bowl.

10. During the 2008 all island, all night power outage, I stumbled around armed with: a green glowstick.

11. On Christmas Day, I did all of the following activities except: sang the holiday favorite “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” at a Japanese Karaoke bar. Yes Leslie, you’re right. I wish I’d done this.

12. I caused a stir at the local farmer’s market at the base of Diamond Head by: falling down an embankment, winding up with backside covered in mud. And then I had to walk around nonchalantly in my white shorts as if nothing had happened. Of course, everyone selling at the market faced the hill where I had fallen and they all chattered unflattering things about my balance in Hawaiian. I couldn’t even haggle that day, I had no bargaining power. I was the white honky who looked like she’d crapped herself.

13. On the two occasions I have attended a free hula class, I most resembled: a badly wounded walrus. The real answer is D, I’ve never attempted to hula, I don’t want to be asked to leave the island. But, I liked “C” so much and I really do feel this is representative of my dance skills in general. So I took “C” or “D” and everyone guessed one of these two, so every at least got one right.

Short Answers/Essays, if you must:

14. If your snarky blogger were a stereotypical symbol of Hawaii (such as a palm tree), she would be _________________.

Here are my top 3 picks:

1. A volcano, amazing to admire, but not as dormant as she might seem.

(Thanks, Hubbard. I love that you called me dormant. This cracked me up).

2. “A volcano because you are the Hawaiian god of liquid filled chocolate cherries and all else chocolate, what does down often flows up” (Thanks, Dad).

3. “Pale Tourist” (Thank you, roomie. Love you too).

15. If you yourself were a stereotypical symbol of Hawaii (such as a palm tree) you would be _________________. (Not so easy to turn the knife on yourself, is it?)

Here are my top 3 picks:

1. “I would be one of those dashboard hula girls…cause that’s what I look like when I dance (bop bop bop), I like free rides, and everyone should have me in their car.” (Michelle, you rule. Bob, bop, bop).

2. “the native guy from ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ who looks like a giant baby.”

(Anna, I laughed so hard and then had to watch the movie).

3. “I would a polyester Hawaii shirt. I’m durable, weird, but I kinda fit in…ish). (Roomie, you made both of my short essay lists. Baller. Except that you spelled “durable” wrong. And I sat there looking at “dirable” for a good awhile and had to phonetically sound it out).

Bonus Question: This is a legitimate Hawaiian idol. Fill in the blank…

“I am the SHARK god.”

I did like “Fecal god, left by my dog after eating something not so agreeable,” and “Richard Nixon Look-Alike.”

Prize winners:

Okay, there was a tie for Grand Prize winners with 9 correct, so those two got the top prizes. And then I agonized over honorable/horrible mention prizes. I wanted to go with 5 and then that # crept up to 8 and 8 is such an awkward number. So in all, 10 people are getting prizes. Everyone else gets an air high five.

Grand Prize Finishers:

Amy Langley Panichella: Amy repeatedly tells me that she is my most loyal blog reader and guess what. She is! Well, she shares this dubious honor with the other grand prize winner. Your prize? You my dear are getting a lovely set of kiu kiu beads. Kiu kiu beads are island treasures, native Hawaiians also use this nuts for lamp oil. They were so beloved that the Hawaiian Royalty incorporated these nuts into their royal crowns. Also, although you are tiny, the shirt is not for you, it’s for the Bean. And yes, it is too large for the Bean. This is because I had a mental break down while in the store staring at all these bizarre designations such as 15-16.2 months of age. I’m sure you know this, but it was news to me that babies grow at an alarming rate. And then the saleslady made the fatal error of asking me if I had a little one at home. This caused me to run screaming and so I fled to the kiddie t-shirts section which was less intimidating, so when the Bean grows bigger and is less blobby and anatomically sound, she can wear this. Oh, and I threw in some local chocolates for you and the hubby.

Anna Lawless: When I saw this dashboard hula, I thought, wow, Anna has a brand new car and an unhealthy love for the law. So shake it Lady Liberty. And if you hate her, you can give her to Scout to shred and just tell me that you were in a car accident and only Lady Liberty was lost. But really, you should watch her shake her hips. She’s mesmerizing. I did not send chocolate since you already threatened the life of a co-worker who brought in cookies, and I don’t really want to be sucker punched when you get off the flight, as funny as that might be.

Honorable Mention Prizes:

FAMILY PARTICIPATION PRIZE: My Dad: You’re my hero. And you were the only family member who participated, even though my Mom is a total blog stalker AND she tried to solicit trivia answers from me ahead of time by pulling the “but I was in labor with you for nearly two days” card. Think blood runs thicker than water? Think again. Dad - Your gift is a secret because you like surprises, so it will be arriving soon and then you can show it off to Mom and John and they will feel SUPER JEALOUS.

BEST COUPLE PRIZE: Melissa and Jimmy. Good effort guys, you each scored a “6”.

Your Prize: These creepy little dolls came in the package positioned this way, I didn’t put them that way to be suggestive. You can share custody if either one of you can stand to have them in your room at night. I swear, the little dude one, his eyes follow you around (which is why I covered them with a plastic bag while they were still in my possession). The other little prize did not come with the dolls, in case you were wondering.

Horrible Mention Prizes:

(You guys are all getting shot glasses of some sort because obviously you all were drunk when you took this quiz. So they won’t go to waste. Snark snark snark. Actually, they’re kinda cool because they have the drink recipe written right in them).

BEST OVERALL USE OF SNARK: Leslie Stierman, your colorful little comments such as, “you wish you sang karaoke at a Japanese bar on Christmas” and other assorted snarks wins you a “Shark [snark] Attack” shot glass.

BEST DESCRIPTION OF JESS MARTIN: Hubbard: I don’t think I’ve ever been described as “dormant.” I like that, it’s like I’m a bad recessive gene. And because Aaron is probably going to beat you up after he reads your answer, you are getting a Screaming Tiki shot glass. I looked for a volcano themed one, but they didn’t have one, and this one was funnier anyway and uses Irish liqueur. Like you, funny and Irish.

BEST DESCRIPTION OF YOURSELF: Michelle: you rock my face. Everyone should have you in their car. Bop bop bop. You’re getting the Hawaiian Sunrise shotglass with the hula girl. Because everyone should have you at the bottom of their glass.

WORST SCORERS (Less than 6 right) – THE WIPE OUT AND BEACH BUM AWARDS:

Wipe Out Award – Jason. Wow. I want a new roommate.

Beach Bum Award – King.